(Warning: Swanson is a fictional character)

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The Ryder Cup is broken — more so than the hosel of a cast iron after trying to bend the lie angle more than one degree — but Swanson is here to fix it.

As an American and a golfer (and a pretty damn good one at that), I want nothing more than to support our team at the Ryder Cup, but I’m fed up. I am not fed up with America in general, but I AM fed up with the Ryder Cup, and I simply cannot sit idly by any longer and watch them ruin a tradition that started in 1927 at Worcester Sauce Country Club in Massachusetts.

If they would just listen to Swanson’s suggestions, the heart and soul of the event will be restored.

1) The pageantry

You know the last time the Ryder Cup was any good? The 1991 event at Kiawah Island. You know what they refer to the 1991 event as? The War at the Shore.

The Ryder Cup is not the time to get dressed up in ballroom gowns and show off your fancy dresses and wedding rings like Paulina Gretzky, or show off your expensive yet tasteless sunglasses and strut off private jets. The Ryder Cup is a battle ground for international war, not the set of a Sweet Sixteen party.

2) The sponsors

If it were up to me, the event wouldn’t even be televised. That way, the matches wouldn’t be so vanilla ice cream because sponsors wouldn’t control the event. Imagine this: Tommy Fleetwood decides not give Tiger Woods a two-foot gimmie putt on the first hole. Tiger puts him in a chokehold and doesn’t let him go until he submits, thus teaching young Tommy to be more generous with the gimmies throughout the event. Now that’s a real battle tactic, but the sponsors are handcuffing them.

Take the gloves off these guys and let them fight!

3) The equipment

With 460cc drivers, game improvement irons (I almost threw up in my mouth just typing “game improvement”), and urethane golf balls, the Ryder Cup is like a nuclear war. No one wants to watch that, and it’s not real golf.

You think the Revolutionary War was fought with nuclear bombs? No, that’s new age crap. The Rev War was fought with muskets and cannonballs. That’s a real battle.

Make these guys play with persimmon woods, niblicks and featheries and see which team of fighters come out victorious.

4) The venues and locations

Paris? We’re fighting a war of golfers in France?! If I wanted souffle and a famiche I’d go to Le Golf National. If I wanted to play golf I’d go to Scotland. The Ryder Cup should be played in only Scotland or Northern Ireland when team Europe hosts the battle. When America hosts the Ryder Cup, it should be played only at the finest private country clubs. After all, the courses should be a proper representation of the nation they represent. Europe is filled with sheep farms and peasants, so therefore, the Ryder Cup should be held at public goat tracks such as St. Andrews. When in America, land of the free and home of the brave, the Ryder Cup should be held at golf courses only the wealthiest of citizens can afford. After all, we didn’t fight the Revolution to play Ryder Cups at municipal courses in our home country.

5) The formats

All of the Ryder Cup participants make a huge deal about how “nervous” they get on the first tee, and how much “pressure” they feel throughout the weekend. You want to feel real pressure? Try playing in my weekend foursome where we have automatic presses at 2 down. Now try making a 4-foot slider on 17 with 4 different matches on the line, not just one.

Make these guys play in matches with auto-presses, then I’ll be intrigued.

6) The players

If you want to have automatic qualifiers for the top 8 on each team every year, that’s fine by me. They earned it. But with the captains picks, why do they continuously select professional golfers? It’s driving me crazy and I don’t understand it. Why would you select a professional golfer, who by all means is pampered with free clothes and clubs and agents and private jets all year, to fight an international battle representing your country? There needs to be more heart and nothing-to-lose mentalities on the battle field. I mean, there are thousands of completely broke and starving college athletes who are fantastic golfers who would probably be thrilled to go to war for their country on the golf course. Especially if you play it at a course like Le Golf National where the biggest danger in the area is getting lost inside the Louvre for a few minutes.

7) The captains

I can’t speak for the European Team captains, mainly because I don’t speak Scottish or Irish and I can’t understand a word they’re saying, but the American capatains have gone SOFT. I’ve seen Full Metal Jacket and Platoon twice, so I know that the captain should always be the one keeping his troops in order. Can you imagine Private Cowboy talking to Gunnery Sergeant Hartman the way Phil Mickelson talked to Tom Watson? And then they establish a “task force” where they let the players decide what goes?

The American captains have completely lost order. Where is Hal Sutton and his battle-ready cowboy hat when you need him to whip his stallions into shape.