Opinion & Analysis

You know you’re a golfer when…

Published

11 years ago

Jun 16, 2015

Tom HIll

You know you’re a golfer when…

You tell the restaurant hostess that you’ll be a foursome for dinner.
You think something “sub-par” must be really, really good.
You wonder what a billiard table stimps.
You call dimes ball markers.
You think the Dutch Masters must be a golf tournament.
You wear your golf shoes when you go for a walk.
You believe you could hit it over the centerfield scoreboard with an 8-iron.
You argue the family should vacation in Myrtle Beach.
You see a gopher hole in your backyard and immediately think of dynamite.
You mow your lawn to fairway height.
You’re distracted at a funeral, thinking what a nice golf course the cemetery would have made.
You understand why Michael Jackson only wore one glove.
You’re proud that the president plays golf.
You respect karma so much that you’d never order a fried egg for breakfast.
You think having a handicap is a good thing.
Your co-workers know you’re a single digit. Your boss thinks you’re a 20, but could be a 15 if you just had more time to practice.
Your favorite numbers are 2, 3, 4, 18 and 72.
You celebrate special occasions by playing 36 holes.
You believe that trees really are 90 percent air.
You know what the “leaf rule” is.
The dry cleaner returns two golf tees and a divot repair tool with your dress pants.
You won’t buy a Smart Car because there’s no room for your clubs.
You know that a “kick point” has nothing to do with UFC.
You can feel the difference between a two-club and a three-club wind.
You’re not embarrassed to discuss how your shaft feels.
You fall asleep counting strokes, not sheep.
Your wife doesn’t mind if you’re in a threesome.
You own more than five putters.
You can coordinate your golf shoes with your shirt color.
You sometimes walk around the house with your hands in an interlocking grip.
You spend your lunch hour on the practice green.
You know what a Cadet Medium-Large is.
You have both a golf course calendar and a golf course screen-saver.
You think Kelly Tilghman is hot.
You believe twilight starts at 2 p.m.
Your favorite websites are PGATOUR.com, GolfChannel.com and GolfWRX.com.
You know the Goose, the Hawk, the Bulldog, the Walrus, the Golden Bear, the Shark and Tiger have nothing to do with the animal kingdom.
Your favorite color is Masters green.
You know that standing on a 7 rather than hitting a soft 6 has as much to do with golf as blackjack.
You get up earlier on Saturday and Sunday than you do on weekdays.
You don’t think of having a caddie as owning a nice car.
The TV celebrity you’d most like to have lunch with is Michael Breed.
No matter what nationality you are, you have a soft spot in your heart for Scotland.
You start checking the weekend forecast on Tuesday.
Your left hand isn’t as tanned as your right and your feet look white compared to your legs.
You have a desk-job, but still have calluses on your hands.
You read a slight left-to-right break on the carpet as you walk down a long hotel corridor.
When someone mentions getting a new Toyota hybrid, you’re surprised because you didn’t even know Toyota made golf clubs.
You’re not upset about getting older because it means you’re closer to shooting your age.
At a cocktail party where you don’t know anyone, you gravitate to the guy whose face is most sunburned.
You can spell Srixon.
As you reach middle age, you say you’re starting the back nine.
You’re just superstitious enough to choose golf cart number 70 over number 85.
You schedule your elective surgery for December.
It doesn’t seem odd to drink your second beer at 10:30 a.m. on a Sunday.
You can’t believe you missed from 10 feet, and say “about time” when you make a 20-footer.
You tell your wife you really don’t mind too much if she wants to spend Saturday with her sister.
The only time you’re ever nervous is right before the opening tee shot.
You tend to think of tall grass as U.S. Open-style rough.
You believe you could cut your handicap in half if you just had more free time.
The only time you ever wear shorts in public is at a golf course.
Your bucket list includes trips to Fife, Bandon, Monterrey, Sheboygan and Farmingdale.
You remember every shot from your best round and none from your worst.
You know your career round is still in the future.

Editor’s Note: Check out the funny, inspirational story of one golfer trying to shoot the round of his life at 7-ironpress.com. Tom Hill’s book is called A Perfect Lie – The Hole Truth: 18 Holes of Golf in Pursuit of the Round of a Lifetime. Get free shipping on the paperback with the code GOLFWRX, or $4 off the e-book when you enter the code GOLFWRX1 at check-out. Pre-Father’s Day delivery in the US if ordered by June 17.

A special thanks to Alec, Garett and Bob Hill for edits and suggestions on “You know you’re a golfer when…”

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Tom HIll

Tom Hill is a 9.7 handicap, author and former radio reporter. Hill is the author of the recently released fiction novel, A Perfect Lie – The Hole Truth, a humorous golf saga of one player’s unexpected attempt to shoot a score he never before thought possible. Kirkus Reviews raved about A Perfect Lie, (It) “has the immediacy of a memoir…it’s no gimme but Hill nails it square.” (kirkusreviews.com). A Perfect Lie is available as an ebook or paperback through 7-ironpress.com and the first three chapters are available online to sample. Hill is a dedicated golfer who has played more than 2,000 rounds in the past 30 years and had a one-time personal best handicap of 5.5. As a freelance radio reporter, Hill covered more than 60 PGA and LPGA tournaments working for CBS Radio, ABC Radio, AP Audio, The Mutual Broadcasting System and individual radio stations around the country. “Few knew my name and no one saw my face,” he says, “but millions heard my voice.” Hill is the father of three sons and lives with his wife, Arava Talve, in southern California where he chases after a little white ball as often as he can.

24 Comments

Bigger Bite

Aug 27, 2015 at 12:38 am

Funny post, two thumbs up. As for the haters, seriously think you all missed the point of the article. It is not an Obama conference for votes…………

Reply Report comment
BOB

Jun 22, 2015 at 9:47 pm

You know that a “kick point” has nothing to do with UFC.

wut

Reply Report comment
janicewright

Jun 22, 2015 at 10:22 am

Even Michael Jordan said he would never play with the community organizer because his games stinks. Obama’s favorite 4 some, himself, Rev Wright, Bill Ayers and Al Sharpton. The company Barry keeps tells you everything you need to know about him. However, bringing in more and more illegals solves that problem. Just give them countless taxpayer benefits……..in exchange for their votes.

Reply Report comment
- birdeez
  
  Jun 24, 2015 at 12:40 pm
  
  beheading…….obama beheading to the golf course. no time for real issues. then again, him hitting shanks all afternoon on the course is better than him trying to force liberal policy down our throats.
  
  Reply Report comment
sheckygreen

Jun 22, 2015 at 9:58 am

Why put the community organizer’s picture on this article? The economy sucks, race relations are the worst of any modern presidency, our military has been feminized, illegal aliens have been bribed to come here with our taxpayer $ and vote for the communists\socialist\Islamic\democrat party. He is stealing the country from the white people that built it. And there stands Barry, thinking about his pathetic golf game. What an evil man!

Reply Report comment
devilsadvocate

Jun 20, 2015 at 10:01 pm

Some of you need to remove the stick from your shady area… Pretty amusing article… If u clicked shank then you are probably the guy nobody wants to play with… What did you expect from this article? Swing instruction? Equipment secrets? Inside information? C’mon the Damn title is a play on foxworthy… Glad my life brings me more pleasure than your miserable existence

Reply Report comment
- promoteroftruth
  
  Jun 21, 2015 at 11:35 am
  
  What makes you think we should pay you any attention ‘know-it-all mommy’?
  
  Reply Report comment
  - devilsadvocate
    
    Jun 21, 2015 at 6:55 pm
    
    Haha what a rebel
    
    Reply Report comment
Mark in L'ville, KY

Jun 18, 2015 at 9:53 am

Tom, I thought these were all very funny. Although it may be because WAY too many of them hit a little too close to home with me. Good list right along with so many of the “definitions of golf terms” lists we all have seen at one time or another. Well done.

P.S. I’m a registered Republican & I could not care less that Obama was mentioned &/or pictured in the list. Save the crazy & venom for a year from this November people & then take it to another forum.

Reply Report comment
AllBOdoesisgolf

Jun 17, 2015 at 2:16 pm

The “funny” part is that WRX does not allow politics of any kind…. hypocrisy much?

Reply Report comment
Bobtrumpet

Jun 17, 2015 at 12:49 pm

“You know what a Cadet Medium-Large is.”

Yeah, it’s my glove size! 🙂

Reply Report comment
Jake Anderson

Jun 17, 2015 at 12:03 pm

do you know this because you are a communist yourself, mr. so-called joeamerican? i would not think so, but please be frank.

Reply Report comment
Drew R.

Jun 17, 2015 at 11:54 am

When driving on a curvy tree-line highway, sometimes I imagine what shot shape I would take. In the gym, I don’t check myself in the mirror. I check my feet, hip and shoulder alignment before taking an imaginary swing. When shopping with my fiancee, i used a hanger to drill my putter stroke. I once caught myself wondering what was the bounce angle of serving spoon.

Reply Report comment
stu

Jun 17, 2015 at 7:17 am

Kelly Tilghman hot? Get some glasses.

Reply Report comment
- MartyMoose09
  
  Jun 17, 2015 at 1:35 pm
  
  If you like the weathered look.
  
  Reply Report comment
Dirk

Jun 16, 2015 at 10:12 pm

Good lord! Just a picture of Obama brings the Foxnews lunatics out of the woodwork! Sweet baby Jane you guys need to take a deep breath and relax!

Reply Report comment
- Tom Hill
  
  Jun 17, 2015 at 12:12 am
  
  Thanks Dirk – every US president since Jimmy Carter has played golf and that’s what I meant when I wrote “You know you’re a golfer when you’re proud that the President plays golf.” And in fact, that stanza actually somewhat implies that the golfer is not necessarily proud of the president (whoever is in office now), his actions, or even what he stands for, but we’re proud that the person holding the office of president (supposedly the most powerful person in the world) is a golfer, like we all are. I didn’t choose the image of President Obama that was put with the article, but don’t all of us recognize ourselves… killing time while lost in our shared passion… in what’s conveyed in that picture?
  
  Reply Report comment
mike

Jun 16, 2015 at 3:42 pm

I don’t know why so many people are giving this a shank I think this article is freaking hysterical and most golfers know that at least half of these applied to them and its true and funny but I don’t understand why all the people are not hitting like vs shank

Reply Report comment
- chris
  
  Jun 16, 2015 at 3:52 pm
  
  They probably hit “shank” because they don’t think it’s funny. At least that’s why I clicked it.
  
  Reply Report comment
  - ron
    
    Jun 17, 2015 at 10:34 am
    
    For me- It’s not so much “not funny”, but not really good points. Could have been better. Pretty sure there a forum thread on here on this with some good stuff in there.
    
    Reply Report comment
- Scott
  
  Jun 17, 2015 at 12:15 pm
  
  yep, this is a shank
  
  Reply Report comment
  - Mike
    
    Jun 21, 2015 at 6:16 pm
    
    Why shank. Golfers need to chill and check your ego at the door. What are the reasons f I r spanking this
    
    Reply Report comment
ITstan

Jun 16, 2015 at 2:10 pm

The destruction artist in that image makes me want to puke!

Reply Report comment
MartyMoose09

Jun 16, 2015 at 1:55 pm

Barry has a very weak grip, no wonder he’s never gotten better at golf.

Reply Report comment

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Opinion & Analysis

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