We could call this an “article,” but in my mind, I feel like it’s more of an open therapy session.

As most golfers know, this is not an easy game. There are days when almost nothing seems to go right, you just can’t put things together. Misreads and bad shots out of what feels like nowhere—but then maybe, just maybe, a few times a round you hit a shot or make a putt that feels perfect, and wonder “why can’t I do that more often?” It’s what brings us back.

As a player with an ever-fluctuating handicap, it’s been a tough season. I bought a membership at my local muni like I have the last three years. I spent as much time the range as I could, and as a fitter and builder, I have zero excuses about ill-fit equipment—but for some reason, it never really clicked.

Like many golfers, my expectations can sometimes get away from me, but I started this year like every other with the goal to break par a few times and keep my handicap around the low single digits—goals that I have accomplished before—let’s just say neither one is looking good at the moment.

I haven’t gotten to play as much as I wanted (moving can do that to you), but that’s certainly not an exclusive situation to me. I believe most golfers have that feeling. I worked hard on weaknesses and did my best to eliminate the “big numbers,” but too often I seemed to be standing over a putt for a seven knowing it was probably going to kill my round.

I’m an honest golfer and have very little ego about my skills—at least that’s what I tell myself. I attempt to have fun when I play. That’s an easily accomplished goal (I have checked that one off the list a LOT this year), but part of me wants to be better, wants to play well, wants to feel like I continue to improve. If I’m being 100 percent honest with myself, I don’t feel like I have. Maybe I’m stuck in an improvement rut, maybe it’s time to seek out professional help, maybe the offseason is just what I need (it wouldn’t be the first time that an extended break has done wonders for my golf game). But at this point in the season, I still know there is lots of golf to be played. And maybe, just maybe, my best golf is still ahead of me in 2019.

I might not always feel like I am a great golfer, but I can say without a doubt I am a happy golfer. I find enjoyment in a lot of other parts of the game—playing persimmon, messing around with yardages I play from, tinkering with gear—all of that takes up a lot of my “happy place” you could say.

At the end of the day, 2019 has been a season of missed potential. I have not been a better golfer, but I have for sure been a better person. Maybe that’s it; the cart before the horse—the balance that’s needed for things to feel in sync when trying to “be one with the course.”

I still believe the next round is going to be the best one, and maybe that’s all I can really hope for.