Opinion & Analysis

The worst words in golf

Published

11 years ago

Mar 10, 2015

Tom HIll

Everyone thinks the three worst words in golf are “You’re still away.”

I think that’s wrong. I think the three worst words are “Out of bounds.”

Well, really, I’m not positive. It’s possible the three worst words are “Better hit again,” or maybe they’re a question, not a statement: “Have another ball?” Or perhaps they’re really the four worst words, when spoken by a companion who likes to enunciate his words while he twists the knife into me: “You’re out of bounds;” “You better hit again;” or “You’ll need another ball.”

I do know for sure the five worst words are, “That’s a two-stroke penalty.” And the seven worst words are, “That’s the third straight hole you’ve three-putted.”

What the six worst words might be is a close contest: I think the top two contenders are “I shot 50 on the front,” and, “There’s a two-hour rain delay.” Of course that leads to the clear winner for the 12 worst words in golf: “I shot 50 on the front after that two-hour rain delay.”

There are almost too many possibilities for the two worst words in golf but I think you’ll agree that “triple bogey” beats “double bogey” when it all comes down on your own scorecard. I know some of you might argue that “That’s wet” or “Wrong ball” could be considered as well. And yesterday there was the quick question my buddy asked me when writing down our scores after No. 5 at Rolling Greens: “That seven?”

But the eight worst words are definitely, “Go ahead and hit, you can’t reach them,” and the five worst words are probably, “I can’t count that high,” though “You already used your mulligan” might also qualify.

The worst word? That’s a hard one. I suppose “Fore!” is a possibility. So is “Bunker!” I’d be tempted to name “Water!” the winner if I was the one hearing it, not the one saying it with feigned sadness to my playing partner.

“Trouble” might deserve consideration, as generic as it is. Well, really, “reload” surely beats that. I guess it all depends if I’m the one hearing it add insult to my injury, or if I’m the one saying it in head-shaking commiseration to the guy I’m betting with.

But we shouldn’t always accentuate the negative. Magazine articles, blog entries and Hank Haney Radio all tell me we shouldn’t focus on the bad things that happen on the course — there are too many of them and it’s too easy to get overwhelmed — instead, we should focus on the positive.

I think the three best words to hear on the golf course are either, “down the middle” or “on the green.” No wait. That’s wrong. Clearly the three best words have to be “Hole-in-one!”

Well, let’s be realistic. “That’s a birdie” has a pleasant enough ring to it. And anyone who thinks it should be, “That’s an eagle,” well, I don’t want to play in your foursome.

I know the guys I’m with every Saturday morning say the five best words are, “Here comes the beer cart,” and my personal favorite for the seven best words is, “There’s no one in front of us.”

The six best words to hear are, “You beat me all three ways,” while the six best words to say are, “I can bogey in for 79.”

And when it comes down to the end of the day and you’re adding up the final scores, the absolutely nicest two words to hear on the golf course are also the rarest: “Even par.” But if I’m on a tee somewhere on the course I’ll be happy to settle for, “Nice drive,” or at least, “That’s dry.”

And finally, for all of us who struggle for pars and bogeys and lose our bets more often than we win, at last, I offer four words that both salute our achievement, at least for one hole, and prove we belong on the golf course: “You have the honors.”

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Tom HIll

Tom Hill is a 9.7 handicap, author and former radio reporter. Hill is the author of the recently released fiction novel, A Perfect Lie – The Hole Truth, a humorous golf saga of one player’s unexpected attempt to shoot a score he never before thought possible. Kirkus Reviews raved about A Perfect Lie, (It) “has the immediacy of a memoir…it’s no gimme but Hill nails it square.” (kirkusreviews.com). A Perfect Lie is available as an ebook or paperback through 7-ironpress.com and the first three chapters are available online to sample. Hill is a dedicated golfer who has played more than 2,000 rounds in the past 30 years and had a one-time personal best handicap of 5.5. As a freelance radio reporter, Hill covered more than 60 PGA and LPGA tournaments working for CBS Radio, ABC Radio, AP Audio, The Mutual Broadcasting System and individual radio stations around the country. “Few knew my name and no one saw my face,” he says, “but millions heard my voice.” Hill is the father of three sons and lives with his wife, Arava Talve, in southern California where he chases after a little white ball as often as he can.

34 Comments

Al

Mar 14, 2015 at 9:20 am

Great article, post some more!

Reply Report comment
Derek

Mar 14, 2015 at 8:43 am

I dunno… I always like reading the “Controversial” articles (80+ shanks and 65+ likes at the time of writing.)

I found this article to be very witty, pretty well thought out and extremely relatable as a golfer. I’m not really quite so sure… I liked it though.

Thank you for some light hearteded refreshingness.

Reply Report comment
acemandrake

Mar 12, 2015 at 5:16 pm

Best: “Nice two”

Worst: “We already have three”

Reply Report comment
chunner

Mar 12, 2015 at 1:37 pm

Yay, birdie to bogie!

Reply Report comment
other paul

Mar 12, 2015 at 1:19 pm

“frost delay” my wife saying “you want to play again this summer? Its a hobby not an addiction”. How little she knows.

Reply Report comment
Joe Golfer

Mar 12, 2015 at 2:13 am

This man is legitimately a good writer.
Well thought out, with good humor.
Kudos.

Reply Report comment
- Tom HIll
  
  Mar 12, 2015 at 8:08 pm
  
  Thanks mom.
  
  Reply Report comment
Bob

Mar 11, 2015 at 9:16 pm

“You still have a shot.”

Reply Report comment
rgb

Mar 11, 2015 at 7:36 pm

“I’m sure I saw it go in around here.”

Reply Report comment
usgaer

Mar 11, 2015 at 11:49 am

“cart path only”

Reply Report comment
- TinCup
  
  Mar 13, 2015 at 8:47 am
  
  +1 million
  
  Reply Report comment
Ken

Mar 11, 2015 at 7:51 am

“That won’t hurt you.”

Reply Report comment
Joe

Mar 10, 2015 at 7:15 pm

He’s right

Reply Report comment
Shallowface

Mar 10, 2015 at 6:21 pm

I’m sick of the word “technology” being used to describe the attributes of a bludgeon.

Reply Report comment
Rich

Mar 10, 2015 at 5:12 pm

I think the worst 2 words are “stayed patient”. If I hear another pro say that after a good round I’m going to throw something at the TV, hard.

Reply Report comment
Patrick Reed

Mar 10, 2015 at 3:50 pm

I came up with a nifty lil phrase
Doesn’t really apply to worst words in golf though

Reply Report comment
PDON

Mar 10, 2015 at 3:44 pm

How about “shank you very much”

Reply Report comment
Ponjo

Mar 10, 2015 at 1:05 pm

Your playing partner saying “It’s in”…………….as another putt defies gravity and stays above ground

Reply Report comment
snowman

Mar 10, 2015 at 12:23 pm

“I can bogey in for 79.”….. Say that one and I guarantee you won’t break 80.

Reply Report comment
- other paul
  
  Mar 12, 2015 at 1:16 pm
  
  I needed par on 16,17,18. I bogeyed and then finished birdie par. Phew. 79
  
  Reply Report comment
Eric

Mar 10, 2015 at 11:51 am

The worst word is golfing….I play golf…..I don’t go golfing.

Reply Report comment
- Jon Silverberg
  
  Mar 11, 2015 at 12:23 pm
  
  Got that right
  
  Reply Report comment
The dude

Mar 10, 2015 at 11:19 am

Your a cheater

Reply Report comment
- ROb
  
  Mar 13, 2015 at 2:45 pm
  
  yeah especially with grammar like that. Their is the issue with that statement two, it doesn’t make cents.
  
  Reply Report comment
Matt

Mar 10, 2015 at 11:04 am

“Don’t count that!”

Reply Report comment
Mike J

Mar 10, 2015 at 10:51 am

“Taylor Made”

Reply Report comment
- slider
  
  Mar 10, 2015 at 7:28 pm
  
  lol I agree
  
  Reply Report comment
pat

Mar 10, 2015 at 10:43 am

WTF was this all about

Reply Report comment
CapBozo

Mar 10, 2015 at 10:02 am

Worst 6 words: “It may open up over there.”

Reply Report comment
theo

Mar 10, 2015 at 9:54 am

This website is the worst in golf

Reply Report comment
- Chris
  
  Mar 10, 2015 at 10:24 am
  
  and yet, here you are.
  
  Reply Report comment
- The dude
  
  Mar 10, 2015 at 11:36 am
  
  Hahha….dip$h!t….
  
  Reply Report comment
- Scott
  
  Mar 10, 2015 at 11:58 am
  
  It is OK to have a few light hearted articles every once in a while. Lighten up Francis.
  
  Reply Report comment
  - Murray
    
    Mar 11, 2015 at 12:19 pm
    
    Don’t get too many Stripes references on Golf blogs — nice
    
    Reply Report comment

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